Emotions

I don’t want our blog to turn into the “How’s Holly coping today?” website. I’ve realized several times this week that even if I want to talk through things, I’m still not able to talk and maintain control over my emotions. I know there are several people that genuinely care and because of my inabilities, they are relying on the blog for updates. So the blog will have to do for today.

It’s been two weeks since I delivered baby Josh. I’ve had a few ups and a lot of downs these past few weeks. It’s been hard to get back into the routine of things when so much has changed. From the moment you find out you are pregnant you start envisioning the changes to your life that new baby will bring. I didn’t think Josh had entered our lives yet, but I’m surrounded by reminders of the baby we were excited to welcome into our family. We were waiting until after we found out the gender of the baby to paint and hang curtains in the kids’ rooms. We were ordering seven chairs for our kitchen table. This summer was going to be easy-going, and free of travel so we could adjust to life with five children with the hope that we could return to Hawaii this fall as a family of seven. Everything has changed and I feel lost.

Like I mentioned for the most part I feel pretty numb. Though I still feel pretty empty I’m able to go about my day and even get some things accomplished. However, there are moments that sneak up when the numbness disappears and the emotion I feel instead makes me want the numbness back.

After missing several weeks, last week I gathered with a group of friends that get together every Monday night to watch a particular reality TV show. I thought it would be a nice distraction. The two other women that are due the same week as I was were there and I was overcome with jealousy as I looked at their cute little bellies. While I still had a belly of my own – mine was empty. To watch them continue with their pregnancies and bring healthy babies into their families is going to be so incredibly difficult.

The last four months have been really hard on me and my family. There’s no better way to appreciate ones health than to not have it for a prolonged period of time. Being nauseous and tired all the time takes its toll and during the holidays made it even more difficult. I wanted to do more for my family, and with my family, but I physically couldn’t. I made a lot of sacrifices to ensure a healthy pregnancy. It irritates me that we went through all that without any of the reward.

Monday a friend I don’t see very often asked me something about being pregnant again and that was the first time I had to vocalize to someone that we’d lost our baby. Until then I’d been able to rely on texts, emails, word of mouth, or our blog. My emotions are so unstable. I know she felt terrible as I immediately starting crying and struggled to regain composure.

I’ve discovered that I hate the word “miscarriage” – technically (as if it matters) I experienced a “intrauterine human demise”. It doesn’t sound any prettier, but when someone hears “miscarriage” it typically means sometime before 14 weeks they naturally deliver their baby and in most cases there isn’t anything humanlike to even take notice of. Whether it’s justified or not, I feel our situation is incredibly different. My body did not miscarry. My body (like my heart) did not want to let this baby go.

I don’t do pregnancy gracefully and as far as my weight is concerned I’ve always felt fine putting on whatever was necessary for a chubby little baby – I was already 20 pounds into this pregnancy (I’m pretty sure that breaks any of my previous records). Putting on a pair of maternity pants is much too depressing so it’s grubby sweat pants for me. Without the benefits of nursing I don’t know how long it will take to come off – and heaven help me please don’t mention the dreaded “E” word.

A friend casually shared she is attending a funeral this weekend. I asked who has passed away and she explained that a niece had died when she was only three days old. Can you believe I was envious of that baby’s mother? I would gladly have endured my entire pregnancy if I could have Josh for any length of time – even if only for a few minutes or a few days. To have some sort of living memory to hang onto would be such a blessing.

Thankfully, I feel love as well. I’m am so grateful for our many friends that have reached out to us. Clearly I’m not able to vocalize my thanks, but every little comment, email, or text means something to me. Just when I think people have expected us to move on we’ll receive something on our doorstop or someone will send me a little email or text. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.