Test Results

We’ve had quite an eventful week – Spring Break, Visitors, Carly’s Baptism, Easter… much to write about and many pictures to sort through and share, but before that I felt like I needed to give an update.

Last Monday we had our follow-up appointment with the perinatalogist to go over the tests performed after we delivered our baby. It’s routine for them to perform genetic testing following an intrauterine demise; however, typically they only include an autopsy over 20 weeks gestation. We delivered just days shy of the 20 week mark; however, when Swedish offered to cover the expense of an autopsy we decided to proceed.

We didn’t expect to receive any clear answers as to WHY we lost our baby, but I hoped to hear there wasn’t anything we could have done to save our little one and that there wasn’t anything we needed to be concerned about medically.

As I mentioned before our baby looked tiny, but in perfect form. The test results verified that everything was in place, healthy, and free from any genetic abnormalities. Perfect. The one area they found concerning was that the umbilical cord was hypercoiled – the doctor described the likelihood of this occurrence similar to your chances of being hit by lightning. Even if this is detected during a pregnancy there isn’t anything that can be done. There was one surprising finding in the report that we feel we should share – our baby was a girl.

Now before you wonder how in the world that could be mistaken, let me try to explain. The ultrasound which found there wasn’t a heartbeat was short and looking for gender was not a priority. After the ultrasound we asked about the gender and the ultrasound tech said she thought it was a boy, but wasn’t 100%. After we had delivered our baby we asked the nurse who took the baby across the room and she told us it was a girl. We spent precious time holding our baby all the while thinking she was girl and never thinking to look for ourselves. We said our goodbyes and handed her to our nurse to prepare the body and take footprints. When the nurse returned she told us that she thought the baby was a boy, brought the baby back in and we too were convinced. Does it matter – absolutely not. It is a bit of a mental adjustment, but the loss and sorrow is the same. However, obviously we can no longer call her baby Josh. When Justin and I were in Hawaii there was a little girl playing at the pool named Melia. Justin and I both loved the name, added it to our list, and while we held her in the hospital it was a name we discussed calling her.

It’s hard to believe it’s already been TEN weeks since we delivered our precious baby girl. I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that I think about our loss every hour of everyday. It can be as simple as seeing the date of June on a can of beans, walking by a pregnant woman or hearing a baby cry, even just thinking about this upcoming summer and how different it was supposed to be. Every day I fight the battle between having faith in God’s plan and feeling cheated, jealous, and lost. Has it gotten easier? Yes, I think it has, but I’d still wish to be massively pregnant and incredibly uncomfortable than to go through this life without her.